love in russia
Mood:  caffeinated
Today I had an unexpected message from my fiance in Russia.I told her yesterday that I had worries about her safety in the city of Mari-El.

She told me she does not go out at night because that is when much of the crime occurs there. Much of the crime is assault and rape. The murders happen mainly in Moscow.

I do not worry so much about her as I do the rest of her family. They have to travel at night and I do not wish to get a call in the night telling me someone has been killed or worse beaten severely.

My life, as you can see, is not too much different from other people. I have all the typical stressors that many other people have and I handle them better than most because I understand better the effects of stress on a persons life.

So you see, HIV has its' blessings as well as its curses. Until next time, breathe and enjoy every waking moment, you do not know how long you have even if you are not infected.

days of future past
Mood:  chillin'
Today is my day of reflection on past mistakes and past triumphs. I have made many mistakes which have cost me jobs, money and future success. The biggest is becoming infected. Many people have negative reactions when they discover my secret. Don't ask Don't tell, yeah right!!

Everyone is preoccupied with knowing all they can about each other so they have something to hang over your head for leverage in the future. What the hell has happened to the premise that we are all equal under the eyes of god???

I admit to falling into this trap from time to time but mostly, I am just the opposite and have a rather idealist outlook on people and society as a whole. Call me idiotic or naive but I believe that we have some sort of humanity in us all, we just need to find it and bring it out to the surface.

I am out of here, love to have some comments on this.

act three
Mood:  suave
Topic: puzzles
Today is a focus on puzzles. Life creates many questions. These questions are based on puzzles. Puzzles, are those strange ideas that cross our minds and thoughts.

When we were young, many times we asked, but why?, or how come?, and even at times why not?

Our parents could not, or more likely, could not answer them for us.

We then get older and are able to answer many of these questions for ourselves, but we find new things that entertain our psyche.

We replace one question with another only to find that we never really satisfy our thirst for knowledge or that answer to that ultimate question, why am I here?

This one question, will haunt us forever from this life into the next. When we are able to answer it, our life will be complete and we can traverse to the next level of the puzzle.

Until that time we remain in this level and continue to build new roads to reach the next level only to find that they are alternate routs to other areas that do not satisfy the needs of the main question, what is life and why are we here?

Until next time, keep looking to your heart, soul, and the sky for the answers.

What is love and how do you keep it.
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: act 2
Now begins the newest log or diary. Enter me, semi-young, love starved and working on a long distance relationship that could or could not blow up at anytime depending on many different factors.

Love, that elusive and wonderful drug that we all crave. What is it? How do you find it? How do you keep it? How do you care for it?

So many questions and so many different answers that can both help and hinder the process of developing and keeping love in ones life.

When I say love, I do not mean sex. Sex, is a by-product of the loving process. It is the melding and sharing of souls by two people that have strong feelings both mental and spiritual with each other.

Day one in my new life
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Me, front stage left
Here I begin my mental meanderings into the wonderful world of Blogging.

I have been infected with HIV for over 20 years and until now seemed to be handling it well. Now, with a divorce on the way from a negative woman, I am not too sure I was dealing with it at all.

I am, again, alone and trying to figure out if it is all worth the fight to try and maintain a normal life amongst the neggies. They say one thing, and do yet another. Life is a precarious balance between insanity and dream, what is real and what is dream?

Many days, it seems as if I have this licked and can live just like the rest of the world. But then, reality kicks in when I take my medicine. Then, I realize that I am not like the rest.

Is this a blessing or curse? I am not sure which. Some days it is a blessing because I understand life better than those who do not face their own mortality on a daily basis. But, other days, I feel as if I am climbing up Everest and will never reach the summit.

Well this is the first of many musings by me hope you have some insight or words of wisdom you can share.